Time for my quarterly review of the world o' spam, from the worms eye-view anyway.
It is my sad duty to report that the comfortable world of P.E. spam has dropped into the single percentage digits in my in-box. Sad but true. Those mellifluous phrases lovingly crafted to set my heart a flutter ("love cannon", fer sure) are being drowned out by mechanistic appeals to buy chemicals on-line with names that have too many x's and z's in them.
There was one little prick of light in the darkness, dear readers: "Get a magic wand to satisfy your lady!" Isn't that nice? Will surely warm the cockles of your kidneys...
Anyhoo, back to the harsh realites of spam watching.
We have now got a profile like this:
56% - Pharma spam*
12% - Posh watch replicas
10% - Girls hot 4 u**
6% - Gambling
4% - P.E. (Oh, how the mighty are fallen! Don't worry dear, these things happen.)
4% - Diplomas granted without study (excluding M.A. Oxon)
2% - Puzzling discount offers, including "exclisive atches" erm...oh...watches? Silly me.
1% - Lame attempts to mimic internet sales confirmations
1% - Peculiar courses: a very promising new category ***
1% - Diet drugs: also promising new category
1% - Twitter spam****
* - does include a lot of Viagra-type stuff, but not nearly so poetic as good old P.E.
** - this is just silly; "I am beautiful girl, I am charming blue-eyed blonde brunette..." WTF, which bit is blonde and which is brunette, m'dear? (Er...perhaps, on second thoughts I'd rather not know). And why are you so hot for an ol' trout like me? I'm not even bi, sweetie.
*** - Ah, for future reference, you saw it here first. A "Christian college network" (sic) offering courses under the banner "Christian careers are right around the corner, learn on-line..." Somehow it seems unethical to offer no-study courses to Christians, poor dears. However, the meek don't get much so perhaps it is nice after all, purely as an example of loser-chic-appeal. Unfortunately the profile, addresses etc. are identical to the offers of "Insurance for Less" and "Culinary Universities" not to mention "Plasma TV Testing Center". So presumably if I were a halfwit, I'd like to let them to give me a plasma TV for free as well.
**** - sigh, I should never have signed up, twit, but this was from a person called blondesHot4u so it's not entirely a waste.
On second thoughts another prediction...we should see increasing spam in the next while to do with the mortgage crisis, bankruptcy, stock market decline and property capital losses, apart for the normal sub-one-percent perennial "make money fast" category. After all spam is nothing if not topical.
One final tip to the P.E. fellas. Chin up chaps. Just buckle down, straighten up and fly right. Increase your visibility, improve your productivity and the world will be your oyster...or should that be clam?
Crikey, things are looking up!
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Monday, October 27, 2008
Monday, May 5, 2008
Penis enlargement rears its ugly head again
A little while ago, I was convinced that the amount of penis enlargement spam was dropping off. No more. It was me, after all. No appreciable diminution since then. Perhaps even a little swelling.
"You woman will surely appreciate a larger love cannon!" comes the claim. Ow...no. My "love cannon*" is already more than...ahem.
Today the level of spam is steady, and still about 50% P.E. offers, 10% misc. pharmaceuticals (most of which are for Viagra-type effects so that probably counts as a variety of P.E. offer), although deals on various fabulous timepieces is now up to about 40%...with a few odd handbags, bank loans and gambling opportunities thrown in.
However there are 2 new entrants: about once every 3 days an email that consisting of all ????s (presumably in a non-Roman alphabet; by all accounts it's probably "The Dalai Lama is insufferable, insanitary splittist person") and several offers to sell me a "Bacheelor/ MasteerMBA/ Doctoraate" (sic) diploma.
Their claim is probably true though: "No test, no class." Precisely. Couldn't have said it better meself.
And then there's the merely peculiar: "HIII, auntyy sueee and uncle aaarrrttt..." writes brandy lawrence. Hmm - Perhaps Art's the one who needs the bigger equipment. Art? Who ever you are, I got a great offer for you...
* or should I say, the "love cannon" that I use...
"You woman will surely appreciate a larger love cannon!" comes the claim. Ow...no. My "love cannon*" is already more than...ahem.
Today the level of spam is steady, and still about 50% P.E. offers, 10% misc. pharmaceuticals (most of which are for Viagra-type effects so that probably counts as a variety of P.E. offer), although deals on various fabulous timepieces is now up to about 40%...with a few odd handbags, bank loans and gambling opportunities thrown in.
However there are 2 new entrants: about once every 3 days an email that consisting of all ????s (presumably in a non-Roman alphabet; by all accounts it's probably "The Dalai Lama is insufferable, insanitary splittist person") and several offers to sell me a "Bacheelor/ MasteerMBA/ Doctoraate" (sic) diploma.
Their claim is probably true though: "No test, no class." Precisely. Couldn't have said it better meself.
And then there's the merely peculiar: "HIII, auntyy sueee and uncle aaarrrttt..." writes brandy lawrence. Hmm - Perhaps Art's the one who needs the bigger equipment. Art? Who ever you are, I got a great offer for you...
* or should I say, the "love cannon" that I use...
Friday, April 11, 2008
Movie review: Compare Harold and Kumar go to White Castle with Bachelor Party
For inexplicable reasons, I recently watched these two movies almost one after the other.
"Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle" is definitely aimed at immature teenage boys, so I fit right in to their market demographic. However I found it hilarious. Well worth watching for a bit of a laff. A couple of scenes I classify as IWM¹ funny. Kind of Cheech and Chong for the current crowd of wannabe drug-swilling hetero nerds. Mostly formulaic and predictable (except for the appearance of Neil Patrick Harris as a degenerate pervert called "Neil Patrick Harris", and the controversial use of the "goto" instruction²) but it struck me that this film illustrates the current state of censorship (perhaps self-censorship) of Hollywood. Lots of references to violence, soft drugs, and "strong language", but very little nudity (a few bosom flashes only) or serious sexual references. Acting was strong, scripting pretty good and the plot, FWIW held together. Production is actually pretty good.
I contrast H&K with "Bachelor Party", the 1984 film that was one of the first big-screen appearances by Tom Hanks. In this movie, pretty well aimed at the same age group of teens, there is a lot more nudity, sexual situations, orgies, S&M, bestiality, hard drug use (admittedly mostly by a donkey) and depictions of prostitutes³. The acting (apart from Hanks) varies from bad to seriously bad (his leading lady appears to be made from some kind of sap wood); the first half is more or less unwatchable. You won't lose anything by skipping to the middle. I would guess it was a very low budget film at the time.
Perhaps I should have watched "Cheech and Chong" alongside H&K, but I think we are can say from this experiment that teen movies have cleaned themselves up as far as sex is concerned. Disappointing, really. The last part of BP is kinda fun.
One constant between 1984 and today is the design and structure of North American school buses. How can it be that these are the only vehicles that remain unchanged in 25 years?
¹ IWM: I Wet Myself
² Sorry, but I do make programs for a living & don't get out much
³ This is therefore literally "pornographic", pedant.
"Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle" is definitely aimed at immature teenage boys, so I fit right in to their market demographic. However I found it hilarious. Well worth watching for a bit of a laff. A couple of scenes I classify as IWM¹ funny. Kind of Cheech and Chong for the current crowd of wannabe drug-swilling hetero nerds. Mostly formulaic and predictable (except for the appearance of Neil Patrick Harris as a degenerate pervert called "Neil Patrick Harris", and the controversial use of the "goto" instruction²) but it struck me that this film illustrates the current state of censorship (perhaps self-censorship) of Hollywood. Lots of references to violence, soft drugs, and "strong language", but very little nudity (a few bosom flashes only) or serious sexual references. Acting was strong, scripting pretty good and the plot, FWIW held together. Production is actually pretty good.
I contrast H&K with "Bachelor Party", the 1984 film that was one of the first big-screen appearances by Tom Hanks. In this movie, pretty well aimed at the same age group of teens, there is a lot more nudity, sexual situations, orgies, S&M, bestiality, hard drug use (admittedly mostly by a donkey) and depictions of prostitutes³. The acting (apart from Hanks) varies from bad to seriously bad (his leading lady appears to be made from some kind of sap wood); the first half is more or less unwatchable. You won't lose anything by skipping to the middle. I would guess it was a very low budget film at the time.
Perhaps I should have watched "Cheech and Chong" alongside H&K, but I think we are can say from this experiment that teen movies have cleaned themselves up as far as sex is concerned. Disappointing, really. The last part of BP is kinda fun.
One constant between 1984 and today is the design and structure of North American school buses. How can it be that these are the only vehicles that remain unchanged in 25 years?
¹ IWM: I Wet Myself
² Sorry, but I do make programs for a living & don't get out much
³ This is therefore literally "pornographic", pedant.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
How to find a mate
Apropos of not much, I found this post about the 237 reasons people have sex on the Daily Irrelevant. 237? Is that all?
One comment mentioned that dating self-help guru David DeAngelo advises men to be annoying in order to attract women. Apparently nice guys and wussies don't rate. He's right about one thing though: a sense of humour is important. Unfortunately I don't think it can be taught by buying this guy's product. Although the YouTube samples are unexpectedly hilarious with some bizarre and suitably nerdish research-type psychologist showing graphs of menstrual cycles and lots of earnest lonely lads 'fessing that they're changed by the experience of shelling out $2500 for a 3-day course learning how to charm the birds from the trees.
A quote:
There was this creepy promise though:
"Please give me 500 grams of sliced kielbasa."
"Oh, you just want it don't you, you horny little slut!"
Ahem...
Of course hope is what is being sold here and there's an almost infinite demand for that. Look at the cosmetics or hair care industries. Huge sales of shampoo to make one more attractive. It's a gold mine! Billions of dollars for the taking.
When I was a lot younger, during the late Paleolithic, there were huge sales in chemical attractants, from musk to pheromones. Guaranteed results, or your money back. (The question of who would declare himself a dating failure by sending the product back never seemed to arise.)
And there's more, of course. You can pay a mere $1200 to have yer DNA matched to find your perfect partner. A miracle of technology!
For $0*, I can tell you the secret to attracting a mate:
Perhaps you should pay for a pick-up coach to tell you how to find a mate. Alternatively, buy some shampoo; the real stuff stinks**.
* and as usual you get what you pay for.
** Stolen joke alert!
One comment mentioned that dating self-help guru David DeAngelo advises men to be annoying in order to attract women. Apparently nice guys and wussies don't rate. He's right about one thing though: a sense of humour is important. Unfortunately I don't think it can be taught by buying this guy's product. Although the YouTube samples are unexpectedly hilarious with some bizarre and suitably nerdish research-type psychologist showing graphs of menstrual cycles and lots of earnest lonely lads 'fessing that they're changed by the experience of shelling out $2500 for a 3-day course learning how to charm the birds from the trees.
A quote:
Recently, Men's Health interviewed hundreds of men, who while lying on their deathbeds, were surveyed about their biggest regrets in life. Some said "I wish I made more money." Some said "I wish I traveled more."Well, perhaps no surprise there, but the question of what kind of person would systematically poll dying men for their biggest regrets is not asked.
To my astonishment, but hardly a surprise, the number one regret that men face right before their final departure in life, is "I wish I had slept with more women."
There was this creepy promise though:
Discover how to interpret anything a woman says as an indication of interest.Er...hello? Did I misunderstand?
"Please give me 500 grams of sliced kielbasa."
"Oh, you just want it don't you, you horny little slut!"
Ahem...
Of course hope is what is being sold here and there's an almost infinite demand for that. Look at the cosmetics or hair care industries. Huge sales of shampoo to make one more attractive. It's a gold mine! Billions of dollars for the taking.
When I was a lot younger, during the late Paleolithic, there were huge sales in chemical attractants, from musk to pheromones. Guaranteed results, or your money back. (The question of who would declare himself a dating failure by sending the product back never seemed to arise.)
And there's more, of course. You can pay a mere $1200 to have yer DNA matched to find your perfect partner. A miracle of technology!
For $0*, I can tell you the secret to attracting a mate:
- Be nice
- Be cheeky
- Be clever
- Be playful
- Be humourous
- Be interesting
- Be mildly disinterested
- Be rich
Perhaps you should pay for a pick-up coach to tell you how to find a mate. Alternatively, buy some shampoo; the real stuff stinks**.
* and as usual you get what you pay for.
** Stolen joke alert!
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